Sunday, July 25
hey, so i have gotten the hell outta hockey. feeling pretty weird right now. abit relieved, n also, disappointed. relieved cos i dun haf to force myself to do well during training sessions, n also i dun hafta be stuck for abt 3hrs wif the hockers n not noeing how to make conversation wif them. disappointed cos i feel like ive let meself down alot. after all, i really liked hockey. i still like hockey. but, its different.
been a pretty eventful n busy week, wat wif the damn pw n quitting hockey. sheesh. the whole wk's like consumed by pw. but i gotta say i had worse wks when i was in rg. haha. yah. feel like im not doin much in pw. ben's like doin all the work lah. feel quite bad actually. wifout ben, our grp's prob dead by now. abit like working wif the teacher instead of working wif a grp member when u're doing work wif ben. he's the one pushing the grp to do their work an ddoing them on time loh. hey, thx ben=D
sometimes, i tink im a half baked person. is dat the correct adjective btw? yah wateva. but yah, anw... i do my stuff, i spose, but i dun tink i do my part well enuff. ive not much heart in the work i do. spose i shd change then... n den we come back to the fact dat im a heck kinda person, so how am i spose to motivate myself to change? n den i tink dats an xcuse not to change. n den i'll tink, nah, cant be bothered to. n yah, the cycle juz continues..
wonderful person, aint i?
hah.
Posted by alalsil at Sunday, July 25, 2004
Monday, July 19
so i've decided to get the hell outta hockey. i think. i dun tink i can cont' training wif a team who i dun speak to. prob my prob somewhere too, being the umm, quiet person that i am ard ppl i dunno. so great after so many mths n im still like " hi!"... "bye!" wif most of the hockers. cant really fit in wif the rest of the ac hockers. prob gonna get the boot nxt yr jan anw during selections. really quite meaningless to cont' when even goin to the trainings haf become a chore. so i guess i gonna quit soon? or nxt yr? im not sure. shld i quit now n join smth else or wait till nxt yr? here goes me. so indecisive. really dun like dat abt myself. cant get things done. aarghh. if i quit now, wat can i join? prob smth like interact or library.haha quite sad case rite. dunno who is more pathetic, me or the ccas, tho the ccas can hardly be called who, but anw... yepp, the handy old backup ccas of every sch. feel like joining choir, but dats like as easy as wat, uh, i oso dunno. smth really difficult anw. n the thing i need is hmm, lets see..another round of humilation! ah! dat must be it.. yah, rite, sure..of cos. yah so. i'll tink abt it.
n den all dis hesitation all boils down to the matter of "face" doesnt it. i guess i can get a little over concerned of wat others tink of me.guess dis is one of does times..haix. hafta go find my totally heck care self somewhere n yah..wat am i saying.
if i really quit..most prob.. deres just one little thing.. i feel like im kinda like letting my parents down. after all my family is only a mid income family, hardly rich, just comfortable...shdnt haf asked me mum to buy me the hockey stick..just gotta sell it and return em the money.
when i do stuff, i dont usually haf any like regrets when i look back. but imterestingly enuff, i always seems to regret on my cca choice. seriously, why was i so insistent on joining ac hockey anw? even when i got a look at the ppl n realise i can hardly fit in. dats not to say the girls aint nice, just dat im a different type of person.. different ppl, different crowd= nothing to say. yepp. n den dere was H, the not veri nice T-IC. why did i bother staying on after the first practice and i realise the T-IC is really an asshole. n den agian in sec sch, y did i join chess, for goodness sake, for the sake of joining a cca, instead of smth more constructive like, i dunno, band or ncc or smth. sheesh. but at least smth gd came outta chess..my seniors, n my batchmates, n my cute juniors, haha. but yah, these cca mistakes are really.. esp cos ccas are such integral part of sch life, u cant get stuck a cca dat isnt rite for u. so much time is spent on ccas dat its prob abt wat u do the rest of the very long time y spent in school.
haix. i'll just tink some more abt dis.
din noe my bro is such an egoistical asshole until i read his blog. he's gonna kill me if he ever finds out abt that. haha. but despite such a royal pain in the ass n having such a bad temper, n bossing me ard even tho he's younger, n yah.. hmm where does the list stop? but pt is , i still love my bro. n my half assed sis. n my annoying parents. =)
Posted by alalsil at Monday, July 19, 2004
Tuesday, July 13
damn happy abt my bio results =D hehheh. its quite satisfing to haf ur efforts pay off, n i really like bio anw =D the rest of my results aint dat wonderful tho, but dey aint dat bad either. am i making sense? must work harder loh. hah..budden now will haf stress to maintain my standard for bio cos everyone will be expecting me to do well. not only dat, i'll expect myself to do well too. its sickening cos i hate stress. i'll be really disappointed if i dun continue to do well...
so sian, later still must go tuition..xP
Posted by alalsil at Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Thursday, July 8
hmm seems to always be triggered off by wat others say on their blog.
seriously agree wif paula on wat she said abt ppl gettin too cynical to make any frens close enuff to confide in as they grow older. i noe dat cos im doin dat myself. hafen shared my problems wif anyone since a long time ago,way b4 jc anyway. no trust lah. n dats impt if u wanna be sure u wanna share such personal stuff wif someone else. think im a pretty sad case meself. use to it anyway. sometimes feel like im letting my frens down cos im not trusting them enuff to tok to them.
Posted by alalsil at Thursday, July 08, 2004